“I know it was a long time ago, but I still resent them.”
Sometimes we grow up, build our own lives, form relationships and start families, yet somewhere inside us there are still emotions connected to what we experienced in childhood.
It might be resentment towards a mother or father, anger, sadness, disappointment or a sense of unfairness.
Why didn’t they support me? Why didn’t they realise how much I needed them? Why did they constantly criticise me? Why did I have to cope on my own? Why were my needs less important?
And sometimes another question appears:
“Why does it still hurt when I’m an adult now?”
Resentment towards parents can stay with us for a long time
What happened in childhood does not always remain simply a memory.
Our earliest important relationships can influence how we see ourselves and other people, how we respond to closeness, conflict or rejection, and what we expect from relationships.
Someone who experienced frequent criticism may become highly self-critical as an adult.
Someone whose emotional needs were often ignored may find it difficult to ask for help.
Someone who felt they had to earn attention or acceptance may continue trying to earn love in their adult relationships.
So in therapy, the question is not always:
“Why can’t you just leave the past behind?”
Sometimes a more helpful question might be:
“How is what you experienced then affecting you today?”
Anger towards parents is not always something we need to get rid of
Anger can carry important information.
It may arise when our boundaries were crossed, when we deeply needed something that we did not receive, or when, as adults, we begin to recognise that some of our childhood experiences were painful or harmful to us.
Therapy is therefore not necessarily about getting rid of anger or resentment as quickly as possible.
Sometimes we first need the space to notice, name and understand these emotions.
Therapy can help us understand what lies beneath resentment
Resentment towards parents is rarely just one emotion.
Beneath anger there may be sadness.
Beneath disappointment, there may be a need to have been seen and understood.
Beneath emotional distance, there may be a fear of being hurt again.
And beneath the words:
“I don’t need anyone.”
there may sometimes be an earlier experience:
“When I needed people, I couldn’t rely on them.”
A safe therapeutic relationship can provide a space where these experiences can gradually be explored without judging yourself for how you feel.
Do you have to forgive your parents?
This is a question that comes up often.
Therapy does not have to lead to forgiveness.
Forgiveness may be meaningful for some people, but it should not be an obligation or a condition for healing.
You can understand your parents’ history while also recognising that some of their behaviour caused you pain.
You can recognise that a parent may have had difficult experiences of their own without minimising what happened to you.
And you may reach a point where, instead of asking:
“How can I forgive them?”
a more important question becomes:
“What do I need now in order to live differently?”
Therapy is not about staying in the past forever
Talking about childhood in therapy does not necessarily mean spending months analysing your parents.
The past can be important because it may help us understand the present.
When I begin to understand where my fear of rejection comes from, why setting boundaries feels so difficult, or why criticism affects me so deeply, I may gradually become more aware of my reactions and begin to make different choices.
We cannot change what we did not receive as children.
But we can work on how we want to treat ourselves and build our relationships today.
You can love your parents and still feel resentment towards them
These feelings do not have to cancel each other out.
You can remember good moments and still feel pain about other experiences.
You can understand your parents and still need boundaries.
You can feel grateful for some things while grieving what was missing.
Family relationships are rarely entirely good or entirely bad. Therapy can help us make space for this complexity without having to choose just one version of our story.
What if you are still carrying resentment?
Perhaps you do not need someone to tell you:
“You need to forgive and move on.”
Perhaps you first need a space where you can begin to understand:
what happened, what you needed at the time, what was missing, and how those experiences may still be affecting your life today.
Only then might there be space for something different.
Not always forgiveness.
Sometimes acceptance. Sometimes boundaries. Sometimes sadness. And sometimes simply a deeper understanding of yourself.
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